THE WARMTH OF WITNESS, part one

The concluding evening of my DeClutter Your Creativity Class last week reminded me of how important companionship is to the decluttering process. (For those of you in the Treasure Coast of Florida, there's a one-day version of the class coming up on September 18; just visit my website's "classes and groups" page for more information).
It made me recollect an experience I had after I sold my New York apartment in 2002. I moved some but all of the possessions I'd gathered in my 25 years ther to Florida, where I began to combine them with the things I'd accumulated down here. Most of the stuff fit fine, with some judicious thinning out. But I didn't have time to pick through a stack of ten or so boxes of old letters, manuscripts, books, vintage antiques, and mementos. Instead, I rented an inexpensive storage space nearby, intending to get the sorting done in a month or two.

Of course, I missed the deadline.

By about a year.

That storage space—so nice, so neat, so convenient, so affordable—had two terrible flaws.

First, it was out of sight, and therefore, if not exactly out of mind, at least out of deadline. In the midst of my busy life there was always something more important to do than clean it out.

Second, it soon became a source of shame. It was patently absurd to pay even $35 a month, $420 a year, to store stuff I didn't quite remember, didn't ever use, and probably wouldn't even keep. As the months marched on and the rental fees mounted I felt more and more frustrated with myself. Labels like "lazy," "spendthrift," and "stupid" started coming to mind. I knew intellectually that they were unreasonable self-judgments, but on a gut level they felt true. And the more true they felt, the more paralyzed I became.

Out of desperation, I finally asked my friend Abby to come with me to the storage facility. I made it clear that I was not expecting her to do physical labor. Her role was simply to be beside me—to reassure, to see things clearly, to help me give myself permission both to clear out and also to keep the clearing process simple and gentle.

Abby was the perfect person for this process. Nurturing but not crowding or cloying me; aware that I could "do it myself": she was there in the way the training wheels on a child's first bike are there, unnecessary if the bike stays upright but crucial if not. Abby opened some boxes and made a few trips out to the car that day, but the most important way she helped me was simply to stand still. To be there. To bear witness.

And to my shock, our work took less than two hours.

It was not really hard to do, it turned out. It was just hard to do alone.

When we bear witness for or around others, we are simply (but powerfully) present somewhere, at some time, for some thing. When others bear witness for us, they too take on the job of paying attention. As witnesses, they do not need to shape the transaction, provide advice, make choices. Their meaning is in their presence. They are richly but quietly there.

Because clutter and overwhelm are such isolating and/or shameful burdens for many of us, people we can trust to bear witness to and for us are worth their weight in gold. They can and will do far more than any organizational manual, plastic bin, storage space or to-do list to help us clear out our life's dead wood.

As you read this, does one or more names of possible witnesses come into your mind? Is there someone you would feel comfortable enough with to reveal some of your stashed-away or not-so-stashed away clutter? Is there someone whose witness could help affirm your worth, your sanity, your basic goodness as you clear away some of the things that no longer serve you?

I hope your answer is "yes." If it is, check back on this blog later this week, when I'll post a list of gentle suggestions about working with your "witness" to declutter.

If your answer is "no," there are two possible reasons. First, that you have starved yourself of relationships that see and build on your authentic self. Second, and actually more likely, that you are mired enough in self-blame to see judgments that others don't actually feel. I'll post on that soon as well.

Either way, just remember that one of the most powerful decluttering tools...is companionship.